Losing Loved Ones Vol. 1

I, alongside my boss visited a grieving mother a few days ago. She had just lost her 14 year old daughter whom she dropped off as she went to school few hours before her death. As visitors, she gave us a breakdown of how it all went. With her eyes teary and voice trembling on a few occasions she began with how they both woke up very healthy on that day. The daughter was very lively that morning and even fetched the water with which they had their bath. Then they left home for their various destinations with the mother dropping her off before she received an emergency call later that day. Her daughter who left home very healthy had died. She had to be buried and would never see her pretty face anymore. She had gone to be with her Creator. *sighs*

I couldn’t help but just look down while she narrated her story and a tear almost dropped from my eye. Her narrations sounded familiar. It had happened to me too; a dozen years ago…..I lost a brother. Anyone who met me after then has never heard me say it because I have come to the realization that I’m yet to heal from this grief. Although I pride myself as someone who keeps a lot of secrets, I was just never ready to reveal this particular one. It’s not just something you just say to people. I was young when he died, almost right in front of me, except that he was rushed to the hospital and died on the way but I probably couldn’t comprehend what it truly meant. I knew I wouldn’t see him anymore, nor his dreams, ambitions and goals but its way more than that. The question here is ‘Do we fully heal from the loss of a loved one?’

Healing, as I have come to realize isn’t saying no to clubbing, having fun etc. One could smile so bright every day and still not be healed. For example, people who did not get to see either parent can smile so bright but still never heal from that loss. I think the first step to admitting grief is to speak about it. Now, I think speaking out on this means I am on the path to healing. No matter how long it takes to be willing to talk about your grief, I think there’s no need to hasten the process. It comes naturally. It has taken me 12 to finally want to talk about this. This is also the view a twitter user who speaks about the loss of a child after a long time:

“This isn’t really what twitter is for, but ten years ago today my son died and I basically never talk about it with anyone other than my wife.  It’s taken me ten years to realize that I want to talk about it all the time. 

This is about grief” (@cruzkayne)  

But grief isn’t just losing a loved one. You lose a part of yourself too. You miss the things they used to do, say, or the way they smile, promises made, which brings never ending memories. It’s just never the same world without them. This is not to say that people don’t heal from losing loved ones but it’s a difficult, long and tough journey. Not everyone makes it. Some start completely different lives. Some change certain things about them, because the dead left with a part of us which might never be replaced.

Dealing with grief is hard, expressing how you feel to people (who can only mutter ‘sorry’ about a hundred times) especially in this part of the world. So I decided to ask people if they’ve ever lost a loved one and whether it changed them or not. Although there weren’t many answers, some reached out to me but never said anything afterwards. It is assumed that they might not be fully healed of their grief. For some who have, they’re coming to terms that they might not see their loved ones anymore but can keep their legacies and make them proud. As Anonymous A says:

“I lost my aunt on the 13th of June this year, it’s been crazy, I mean, at times I still find it so unreal.  My mum would just call and tell me she’s back but I am learning gradually that she will never come back and she’s gone forever, even though it still hurts, I am getting over it and I know the pain will never go away but it will reduce and I’ll make her proud one day❤”

Family isn’t the only thing we lose. When people who have become a part of us leave us, they die within us and we try to heal from their absence. Such is the story of Anonymous B who’s been trying to heal from the loss of a relationship.

“I lost my girlfriend of 6years. I cried and was left devastated”

Losing people is certain but not so is the healing. Some heal, some don’t. Some have no idea whether they will eventually heal. That is the dilemma Anonymous C finds herself. Despite being scared of losing people, she had no control over the people she lost and now she’s only trying to learn to live with it. To her, healing is seemingly impossible but one can learn to live with the pain. In her words:

“My greatest fear used to be the death of a loved one. Then, I lost my dad & I couldn’t feel anything at first. Then, I felt everything. There are moments, like something so random triggers a pain so deep and I am just broken all over again. You never truly heal, you only learn to live”

Losing loved ones definitely has effects on people and people react to this in their own different ways. Some become unnecessary angry at times, some become even sad; some become terrible at maintaining relationships after which is what Anonymous D confesses here, she  now sees no reason to relate with people anymore because eventually, we all die.

“When I lost my dad, I didn’t feel the need to keep any relationship with anyone, not even friends or anyone, not even my siblings. I mean I didn’t even talk to anyone for days. I got back to school and couldn’t even start my project cause I felt dropping out was the best option. The fact that they didn’t even tell me I lost my dad till a while made it worse & my project was basically for his health because I was doing research on the cure for diabetes.  If I want to talk, I’ll just write a novel…but after I lost my dad. I don’t keep or fight for relationships (friendships or love) cause I could no longer feel the need to try to relate with anyone” (anonymous IG)

Once the realization sets in that you’ll never see them again, you begin to try to heal. However, many never think they can heal from such. We just learn to survive through the pain despite the constant remembrance by everything around us. Anonymous E shares the same feeling:

“There’s no healing from the pain of losing a loved one, there’s a chronic addictive sadness that comes with the death of a loved one… People tend to balance the pain and surviving, because there are days the sadness with you when almost everything around u reminds u of them”.

Losing a loved one is enough to deal with for a lifetime. What about losing loved ones? That’s even more difficult as Anonymous F confesses what she’s made to go through after losing her dad and her aunt and the short time it happened. She’s unsure whether there will be a time to heal from here.

“Conicidentally,I just lost my aunt. I haven’t recovered or healed from my dad’s death.

And now my dad’s sister, the healing from all of this, I really don’t know about it”

In addition:

            Sometimes it is not death that takes them away. (Anonymous G)

I particularly know some of these people in person and when I check their Whatsapp status, it doesn’t seem like they’re going through a lot as their stories say. We all go out living our daily lives regardless of the people we have lost because we still have to survive but that’s exactly what I’m trying to achieve with this.

Grief is about not wanting to talk to people about the terrifying things you go through. This often happens with depression too when people prefer to seek solace within themselves than share with others. Sharing your story is one major step towards healing as I have come to realize. I remember in the university when a friend lost his father and a couple of days later, he was back to school acting like nothing happened. It’s true that people grief in different ways and for him, not being isolated was a better way to grief. But realization probably set in when he laid to sleep realizing he might never see his father anymore.

Healing is totally different thing and while so have it easy, others do not. Its way more than losing a loved one, it includes losing a relationship, genuine friendship, job and even yourself. Whatever you’re trying to heal from, admitting that you’ve lost it is the first step to healing. I think it gets a lot easier when you realize this.

Many times it’s not about the dead; it’s the state of mind the living is in. We will all die but before we do, let’s strive to leave good memories with people as well as leaving the best versions of ourselves…so we can be remembered for that. Sending you plenty love ♥♥

 

Appendix

Good morning guys.

I’m trying to write a story about losing loved ones, the realization and healing process and how their absence might make one a different person.

I’d like to hear from you if you’ve lost someone and want to share your experiences. Please DM (Direct Message) me

Thank you

• Special thanks to people who reached out to me to share their stories. I’m grateful. This piece is complete because you took that bold step. I’m proud of us all. Sending you plenty hugs and love all round.
• I plan to make this a sessional compilation so you can still reach out to me whenever you’re willing to share yours too.
• You can reach out to me via the platforms listed below:

Instagram-@losinglovedoness

Twitter – @ourlostones

Email- losinglovedones@yahoo.com